You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

In my past nine weigh-ins, I've had six gains. Luckily the gains were relatively small, so with my three losses the total loss for the nine weeks is still -3.8, but this in no way is cause for celebration because I know I could have done much, much better. Heck, that’s less than ½ a pound a week. Truly pathetic, but only because I know it's due to lack of commitment.

Even though I still maintain that the last two gains were undeserved, in my heart of hearts I know I'm no longer giving my weight loss journey the effort it requires. I'll have a good week and then relax my standards the following week and at this point in my journey, that's just not something I can afford to do. When I began this journey, one or two bad days didn't seem to adversely affect the scale, but nowadays just one off-program day can spell disaster come weigh-in. The sad thing is that I’m well aware of this fact and yet I still choose to make poor decisions.

“I don't feel like going to the gym and you can’t make me!”

“Eating half a pizza really won’t make a difference so dig in and enjoy life!”

“Forget having a nice balanced dinner, let's have ice cream instead!”

Of course, I don't do this all the time, but on the occasions when I do give into these urges I'm not only messing with my weigh-in results, I'm wreaking havoc on my confidence as well.

I'm still losing and am very happy about that and I do realize that this isn't a race, but I’m haunted by the fact that I’m dealing with one major time constraint, which is that I’m getting older by the day and my husband and I would like to start a family before my eggs shrivel up and die. I’ve always had it in my head that we’ll start trying to conceive once I achieve lifetime status with Weight Watchers, but at the rate I’m going right now I won’t reach my goal weight of 140 pounds for another 18 months. Eighteen months…whaaaaaaaaa!!! That means I won't be a mommy for another 2+ years, barring any complications of course. That quite simply is not an option.

At this point I realize it’s probably too late for me to reach goal by my 2^nd year Weight Watchers anniversary on June 1st, but another year and a half of struggling to get to goal? Forget it! It’s time for me to wake up and face the facts. I’ve been lax in my efforts for a while now and it’s showing. Losing weight and getting healthy is essentially my fulltime job, a job that my future family depends on, and it needs to be treated with utmost importance.

Right before I started writing this blog entry, I sat down and preplanned my day for tomorrow. Not only did I make sure I stayed within my allotted WW daily points, but I also ensured that my meal and snack choices were nutritionally sound. I plan on hitting the gym for my aerobic exercise right after breakfast and will focus on toning after dinner. A plan is in place and now I just have to execute it then lather, rinse and repeat all the way to goal...and motherhood.

Hitting the Wall

Last week I had a very unexpected gain of 1.4 pounds and this week the scale has not budged even a single ounce except for when it temporarily went up two pounds the day after weigh-in. Needless to say, I am getting very frustrated.

Normally something like this wouldn't bother me, but I had a horrific November and I really wanted to rock December, which technically I'm doing even though the scale isn't showing it. According to my GoWearFit, both last week and this week I have been burning 1000+ calories over what I consume more days than not. If it truly is calories in versus calories out, then I should be seeing good results, right?

I realize it's only been two weeks of not seeing the losses I deserve, but it feels so much longer than that because of the struggles I experienced in November, even though I earned the pitiful weigh-ins I received that particular month. Plus the next two weeks are going to be difficult for me what with celebrating Christmas with my family this coming week and then again with my in-laws the following one and I wanted to get some fantastic weigh-ins under my belt for December before heading into the lion's den of baked goods and well-meaning food pushers.

I eat very clean and exercise regularly, so I'm at a loss as to why the scale is being so fickle right now. Is my body taking a break after 1 1/2 years of steady weight loss? Maybe. And if that's the case then I'll just have to accept it. Other than tweaking my exercise routine and experimenting with new foods, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and just hope that I haven't hit some sort of wall that will take weeks or even months to break through.

But I have to tell you, stalling out when I'm so close to the finish line really (and I mean REALLY) sucks.

Ain't That the Truth

                 The jump

                         is

                         so

        frightening between

                where I am

                        and

       where I want to be....

because of all I may become

     I will close my eyes and

                        leap.

               ~Anonymous

Silver Bells

Those of you who have been on my website or have seen me mention it on the WW boards are aware that I reward myself with a charm for my much beloved charm bracelet every time I lose ten pounds. Lately those rewards are coming at an increasingly slower rate so when I actually have an occasion to add a charm, it's an especially joyous moment for me.

I have exactly 3.4 more pounds to go before the next 10 pounds are gone and have recently been perusing the James Avery website in search of my future prize, during which time I quickly fell in love with the holly bell charm. Normally I don't like setting time specific weight related goals, but I've decided that this cute little charm will only be mine if I hit -140 before Christmas day and, truthfully, I think that's a pretty realistic goal. In fact, it works out to a loss of just 1.7 pounds per week for two weeks...very doable indeed. If for some reason I don't reach this goal in the two weigh-ins before Christmas, then I'll just have to set my heart on a different non-Christmas related charm. Until then, it gives me something concrete to work towards and I know that when I really want something, I usually find a way to make it happen.

Ring-a-ling, hear them sing, soon it will be Christmas day!

November Rain

For whatever reason, Webs.com decided to reformat the month in reviews on my website and completely destroyed the aesthetics of the page so in a fit of "I hate Webs.com" rage, I deleted that section of my site and have decided to do my monthly updates here instead. Take that, Webs.com! As if they care....

November started off really well with a 2.2 pound loss on the 2nd but then quickly went down hill from there. During the first full week of the month I was way off program and went to my Weight Watchers meeting expecting a significant gain. To my surprise, I actually lost 0.4 pounds, which helped me begin the week with renewed vigor.

The next seven days went really well. Not great, but good nonetheless and I stepped on the scale with high hopes only to find that I had maintained. Maintained?!! I guess that saying about "you always get the weigh-in you deserve, just not always the week you deserve it" is indeed true. Humph. In any case, it was obvious that the gain I had earned the prior week manifested itself as a maintain the following weigh-in by cancelling out the loss I deserved.

So the new week began on a sour note, but as always I tried to view it as a fresh start. Unfortunately my Pollyanna attitude lasted all of two days and on Thursday (I weigh in on Tuesdays) I had my first honest-to-goodness binge in my 1 ½ years on Weight Watchers. What set me off? I truly have no idea, but the physical binge lasted about four hours while the mental effects of it stayed with me much longer. I tried to pull it together the remaining four days before weigh-in and typically started out the day just fine, but always found myself giving up by the afternoon. I don't believe I did single full day of tracking during that time. I did, however, do a half-hearted attempt at self-monitoring and hit the gym for my regular workout three days and so that semi-botched week translated to a 0.4 pound gain. Not bad considering the situation, but still a disappointment.

I entered Thanksgiving week with little hope. I ate within my WW points on Tuesday and Wednesday and saved my weeklies for my Thanksgiving meal and to my credit, I controlled myself on Thanksgiving day and did really well with portions and food choices. Ultimately it was the leftovers that did me in. I ate leftovers on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and since I figured I couldn't save myself with just one day remaining before weigh-in, I decided to not even bother tracking on Monday. Once again I stepped on the scale to find a 0.4 pound gain. Could've been much worse, I guess?

I had five weigh-ins in the month of November and between the maintain and the gains, I ended up losing a total of 1.8 pounds. Worst. Month. Ever. Monthly total aside, what really disturbs me is how closely I resembled the "old me" in those final two weeks. Not the old "completely-out-of-control-eat-all-I-want-320-pound-me" but rather the "I'm-on-a-diet-320-pound-me." Does that make sense? During those weeks, I felt like a fat girl desperately struggling to lose weight rather than a person just trying to live my life healthfully. What's so upsetting about that is I know person #1 in that scenario is doomed to fail while person #2 will likely pull through and continue with the healthy habits that aid is weigh loss. In my 35 years of life, I've been that laboring girl on a diet more times than I can recall and I know all too well how that story ends.

November ended and we are now six days into December and I'm happy to report that person #2 has fully re-emerged. After a long stern talk with myself and a tearful confession of my fears to my husband, I jumped right back into the life I am now more accustom to and am 100% committed to healthy living once again. Does this mean I will no longer experience struggles during my weight loss journey? Of course not. Everyone has to cope with loss of control and the self-doubt it breeds from time to time and I'm no different. But having experienced this dark month and come out relatively unscathed, I'll now be more confident in my ability to pull through when weathering the next storm.

And of course, putting on my former clothes as a reminder of just how far I've come is a bit of a confidence boost as well.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Last night I had a dream that I went to Carl's Jr. with a group of friends and old co-workers. This particular Carl's was unusually large and was packed with hundreds upon hundreds of people. After eating our meals (don't know exactly what I had, but I do know that it involved lots-o-fries) we got in the long, winding line to exit the building and that's when I suddenly realized that you had to be weighed before they allowed you to leave. And it wasn't a discreet weigh-in like at my Weight Watchers' meetings. Oh-no, there were large screens at every station that showed your weight to the entire room full of people, which included my friends, former co-workers and not to mention hundreds of what I imagined to be very critical strangers. Gulp! I started really regretting those fries at that point....

I guess the meaning behind that dream couldn't be more clear-cut, huh?

It does make me wonder though how many people would still frequent fast food restaurants if it meant having their actual weight disclosed to a bunch of people. Hmmmmmmmmm...I think the fast food industry would possibly tank if that were the case.

Then and Now

Before my breaking point, I used to wake in a panic right as I reached the edge of sleep when the knowledge of all the food I had eaten that day finally entered my conscience mind. My eyes would fly open and I would be consumed with dread as I recalled the three separate fast food joints I stopped at for lunch and was forced to acknowledge the thousands of greasy trans fat-laden calories I had devoured without a single second of thought. On those nights, "I'm killing myself with food" became my own macabre lullaby.

The other night, once again right at the edge of sleep, I awoke with a start. Only this time it was with the realization that I will never go back to being that sad, fearful and numb creature from my past and that my biggest fear, that of regaining the weight I have fought so hard to lose, is really nothing to fear at all. It is not an option and this me, the new me, will never allow it to happen. With this, I smiled and fell soundly asleep. No lullaby required.