Hitting the Wall

Last week I had a very unexpected gain of 1.4 pounds and this week the scale has not budged even a single ounce except for when it temporarily went up two pounds the day after weigh-in. Needless to say, I am getting very frustrated.

Normally something like this wouldn't bother me, but I had a horrific November and I really wanted to rock December, which technically I'm doing even though the scale isn't showing it. According to my GoWearFit, both last week and this week I have been burning 1000+ calories over what I consume more days than not. If it truly is calories in versus calories out, then I should be seeing good results, right?

I realize it's only been two weeks of not seeing the losses I deserve, but it feels so much longer than that because of the struggles I experienced in November, even though I earned the pitiful weigh-ins I received that particular month. Plus the next two weeks are going to be difficult for me what with celebrating Christmas with my family this coming week and then again with my in-laws the following one and I wanted to get some fantastic weigh-ins under my belt for December before heading into the lion's den of baked goods and well-meaning food pushers.

I eat very clean and exercise regularly, so I'm at a loss as to why the scale is being so fickle right now. Is my body taking a break after 1 1/2 years of steady weight loss? Maybe. And if that's the case then I'll just have to accept it. Other than tweaking my exercise routine and experimenting with new foods, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and just hope that I haven't hit some sort of wall that will take weeks or even months to break through.

But I have to tell you, stalling out when I'm so close to the finish line really (and I mean REALLY) sucks.

Ain't That the Truth

                 The jump

                         is

                         so

        frightening between

                where I am

                        and

       where I want to be....

because of all I may become

     I will close my eyes and

                        leap.

               ~Anonymous

Silver Bells

Those of you who have been on my website or have seen me mention it on the WW boards are aware that I reward myself with a charm for my much beloved charm bracelet every time I lose ten pounds. Lately those rewards are coming at an increasingly slower rate so when I actually have an occasion to add a charm, it's an especially joyous moment for me.

I have exactly 3.4 more pounds to go before the next 10 pounds are gone and have recently been perusing the James Avery website in search of my future prize, during which time I quickly fell in love with the holly bell charm. Normally I don't like setting time specific weight related goals, but I've decided that this cute little charm will only be mine if I hit -140 before Christmas day and, truthfully, I think that's a pretty realistic goal. In fact, it works out to a loss of just 1.7 pounds per week for two weeks...very doable indeed. If for some reason I don't reach this goal in the two weigh-ins before Christmas, then I'll just have to set my heart on a different non-Christmas related charm. Until then, it gives me something concrete to work towards and I know that when I really want something, I usually find a way to make it happen.

Ring-a-ling, hear them sing, soon it will be Christmas day!

November Rain

For whatever reason, Webs.com decided to reformat the month in reviews on my website and completely destroyed the aesthetics of the page so in a fit of "I hate Webs.com" rage, I deleted that section of my site and have decided to do my monthly updates here instead. Take that, Webs.com! As if they care....

November started off really well with a 2.2 pound loss on the 2nd but then quickly went down hill from there. During the first full week of the month I was way off program and went to my Weight Watchers meeting expecting a significant gain. To my surprise, I actually lost 0.4 pounds, which helped me begin the week with renewed vigor.

The next seven days went really well. Not great, but good nonetheless and I stepped on the scale with high hopes only to find that I had maintained. Maintained?!! I guess that saying about "you always get the weigh-in you deserve, just not always the week you deserve it" is indeed true. Humph. In any case, it was obvious that the gain I had earned the prior week manifested itself as a maintain the following weigh-in by cancelling out the loss I deserved.

So the new week began on a sour note, but as always I tried to view it as a fresh start. Unfortunately my Pollyanna attitude lasted all of two days and on Thursday (I weigh in on Tuesdays) I had my first honest-to-goodness binge in my 1 ½ years on Weight Watchers. What set me off? I truly have no idea, but the physical binge lasted about four hours while the mental effects of it stayed with me much longer. I tried to pull it together the remaining four days before weigh-in and typically started out the day just fine, but always found myself giving up by the afternoon. I don't believe I did single full day of tracking during that time. I did, however, do a half-hearted attempt at self-monitoring and hit the gym for my regular workout three days and so that semi-botched week translated to a 0.4 pound gain. Not bad considering the situation, but still a disappointment.

I entered Thanksgiving week with little hope. I ate within my WW points on Tuesday and Wednesday and saved my weeklies for my Thanksgiving meal and to my credit, I controlled myself on Thanksgiving day and did really well with portions and food choices. Ultimately it was the leftovers that did me in. I ate leftovers on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and since I figured I couldn't save myself with just one day remaining before weigh-in, I decided to not even bother tracking on Monday. Once again I stepped on the scale to find a 0.4 pound gain. Could've been much worse, I guess?

I had five weigh-ins in the month of November and between the maintain and the gains, I ended up losing a total of 1.8 pounds. Worst. Month. Ever. Monthly total aside, what really disturbs me is how closely I resembled the "old me" in those final two weeks. Not the old "completely-out-of-control-eat-all-I-want-320-pound-me" but rather the "I'm-on-a-diet-320-pound-me." Does that make sense? During those weeks, I felt like a fat girl desperately struggling to lose weight rather than a person just trying to live my life healthfully. What's so upsetting about that is I know person #1 in that scenario is doomed to fail while person #2 will likely pull through and continue with the healthy habits that aid is weigh loss. In my 35 years of life, I've been that laboring girl on a diet more times than I can recall and I know all too well how that story ends.

November ended and we are now six days into December and I'm happy to report that person #2 has fully re-emerged. After a long stern talk with myself and a tearful confession of my fears to my husband, I jumped right back into the life I am now more accustom to and am 100% committed to healthy living once again. Does this mean I will no longer experience struggles during my weight loss journey? Of course not. Everyone has to cope with loss of control and the self-doubt it breeds from time to time and I'm no different. But having experienced this dark month and come out relatively unscathed, I'll now be more confident in my ability to pull through when weathering the next storm.

And of course, putting on my former clothes as a reminder of just how far I've come is a bit of a confidence boost as well.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Last night I had a dream that I went to Carl's Jr. with a group of friends and old co-workers. This particular Carl's was unusually large and was packed with hundreds upon hundreds of people. After eating our meals (don't know exactly what I had, but I do know that it involved lots-o-fries) we got in the long, winding line to exit the building and that's when I suddenly realized that you had to be weighed before they allowed you to leave. And it wasn't a discreet weigh-in like at my Weight Watchers' meetings. Oh-no, there were large screens at every station that showed your weight to the entire room full of people, which included my friends, former co-workers and not to mention hundreds of what I imagined to be very critical strangers. Gulp! I started really regretting those fries at that point....

I guess the meaning behind that dream couldn't be more clear-cut, huh?

It does make me wonder though how many people would still frequent fast food restaurants if it meant having their actual weight disclosed to a bunch of people. Hmmmmmmmmm...I think the fast food industry would possibly tank if that were the case.

Then and Now

Before my breaking point, I used to wake in a panic right as I reached the edge of sleep when the knowledge of all the food I had eaten that day finally entered my conscience mind. My eyes would fly open and I would be consumed with dread as I recalled the three separate fast food joints I stopped at for lunch and was forced to acknowledge the thousands of greasy trans fat-laden calories I had devoured without a single second of thought. On those nights, "I'm killing myself with food" became my own macabre lullaby.

The other night, once again right at the edge of sleep, I awoke with a start. Only this time it was with the realization that I will never go back to being that sad, fearful and numb creature from my past and that my biggest fear, that of regaining the weight I have fought so hard to lose, is really nothing to fear at all. It is not an option and this me, the new me, will never allow it to happen. With this, I smiled and fell soundly asleep. No lullaby required.

What a Difference a Year Makes

June 1st marked my one year anniversary on Weight Watchers and it's not an exaggeration to say that I'm completely blown away by all the incredible changes that have taken place in my life over the past 12 months thanks to this healthy new lifestyle that I have come to embrace.

The difference between June of last year and June of this year is nothing short of staggering. If you don't believe me, just check out the picture posted above. On the bottom are the jeans I was wearing right before I started losing weight. They are a size 28 and they were tight. Very tight. On top are the jeans I just bought, which are a size 18. And they're loose. Comfortably loose.

And the changes in my body are just the tip of the iceberg really. So many things, from my attitude to my sleeping patterns to my social life, have improved that I am almost a completely different person. I am happier and healthier than I have been in a very, very long time and it truly makes me wonder...can it really get any better than this? Only time will tell, but I'm guessing that 12 months from now I will honestly answer that question with a resounding "YES!" While wearing my size 8 jeans, of course.

I Have a Dream

I am what is affectionately referred to as an "armchair hiker." This is not to say that I don't hike, because I most assuredly do, but my hikes are mostly confined to woefully inept trails since I unfortunately live in one of the flattest and least topographically diverse states in the nation. So while I truly adore the day hikes that my husband and I partake in, my hiker's heart longs for oh so much more.

My "armchair" status was actually earned due to my obsession with anything and everything related to the Appalachian Trail, a 2175 mile continuous footpath running from Georgia to Maine. Ever since I first started hiking about five years ago, I have been consumed by the dream of thru-hiking this particular trail. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, thru-hiking is the process of hiking a long-distance trail from end to end, which can also be referred to as "end-to-end hiking" or "end-to-ending." In order for a person to thru-hike all 2000+ miles of The A.T., one must be willing to take an extended break from regular life, carry a backpack weighing approximately 40-60 pounds and live in the wilderness for five to seven months. Sounds sublime, doesn't it? Believe it or not, it does to me.

This dream, alas, will have to wait as taking five to seven months off from his job isn't even a remote possibility for my husband and I am unwilling to go without him. No, thru-hiking The A.T. will have to wait for at least another 20 years when we're properly retired and any future kids are out of the house. Unfortunately sometimes your dreams have to take a backseat to real life.

However, the closer I get to reaching my goal weight, the more I think about the Appalachian Trail and with every pound that I drop, my desire to hit the trail burns ever brighter. I think it's because up until recently, I thought it was all just a pipe dream. Oh sure, I talked a big game. "I'm gonna thru-hike The A.T. blah, blah, blah. I can do anything I set my mind to yadda, yadda, yadda." I'm a logical person, so it's safe to say I knew hiking from Springer Mountain in Georgia to Mt. Katahdin in Maine at 320 pounds was a ridiculous notion. However, what I didn't disclose to people when discussing my A.T. aspirations was that before I stepped one foot on that trail, I was going to lose 175 pounds. Think about that. What some people see as an impossible journey, hiking 2175 miles consecutively, is contingent on the completion of yet another perceivably impossible journey, losing the equivalent of the average man. You can see why even I didn't believe I would ever thru-hike The A.T. However, now that I've managed to lose over 100 pounds, I'm beginning to believe I can and will complete both journeys in due course and thus, my A.T. obsession grows stronger by the day.

While I'm still unwilling to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail until my husband is able to join me, I've been giving serious thought to doing a section hike on the trail next spring. By that time I should be at or near my goal weight and I can think of no better way to cap off my weight loss journey than to get just a teensy taste (no pun intended) of my next lofty dream.

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.

~John Muir

Complacency Is Not Our Friend

com·pla·cen·cy [kuhm-pley-suhn-see]

–noun,plural-cies.

1.

a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.

I can't help but notice that a lot of my weight loss buddies seem to struggling with their journeys as of late and I must confess that until just recently, I could've been counted among the ranks of the floundering. I wasn't off program per se, but in my heart of hearts I knew that I wasn't giving my goals and dreams the honest effort they truly deserve. Ultimately, I had gotten too secure in the belief that if I do A and B then C will naturally result, despite the fact that the equation had drastically changed over the past year. You know that saying "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten"? Well, I'm thinking Mr. Robbins shouldn't speak in absolutes because in the world of weight loss, this isn't necessarily the case.

In truth, trying to lose weight as a 320 pound woman is a completely different process than trying to lose weight at 220 pounds. My weight loss has drastically slowed since the beginning of 2010 and I blame it almost entirely on the fact that the first seven months of my weight loss journey conditioned me to believe that if I (A) eat a Moonpie even if I don't have the points and (B) skip my daily workout then (C) I'll still lose 2.4 pounds that week. However, take into consideration that there's over 100 pounds less of me and this equation no longer adds up. Introduce an additional 300 calories into my day and ensure that I burn 600 calories less by skipping the elliptical and, Houston, we have a problem.

I'd been so smugly satisfied with my initial results that I never recognized the potential negative effect my complacency would have on my weight loss efforts as I grew smaller. I've learned the hard way that once you've lost a significant amount of weight, you must completely overhaul your program because having a lower body mass index also means you have a much lower basal metabolic rate. You can't be nearly as lax as you were in the beginning and sadly, constantly bending the rules just isn't an option anymore. The change in your BMR is precisely why WW lowers your daily points allowance as you lose weight. Add additional exercise and less rule bending to your lower calorie intake and voila(!), you may just be able to maintain the same rate of weight loss that you so enjoyed at the beginning of your journey.

Here's the good news. After what I perceived to be an "undeserved gain" on Tuesday and an all-out Chinese food gorge-fest on the same day (methinks the two may be related....), I've been 100% OP and my attitude has been adjusted. I recognize how silly it was for me to believe that I could continue to act as though I still weighed 320 pounds and I'm now aware that my approach to weight loss (not just my daily points allowance) will constantly need to be refined in order to compensate for my diminishing BMR. A simple regimen tweak, such as adding a new exercise or using less weekly points, every so often ought to do the trick and acknowledging this fact has truly reignited my fire.

Sorry, folks, but it would seem that there's just no room for complacency on this proverbial wagon.

With the Best of Intentions

So it turns out I'm not the world's most dedicated blogger and given my propensity for procrastination, I'm not exactly shocked by this revelation. In any case, I've recently decided that I'm going to try my best to post one blog per month, which I seriously don't believe is asking too much of me.

Be sure to watch for an exciting new installment on my weight loss journey later on this week. Or possibly just new, because depending on my mood I'm not too sure how exciting it will be.

Yep, I Used to Hate to Cook

For last night's dinner, my husband and I made this delicious Acorn Squash Stuffed with Chard and White Beans. The recipe is from EatingWell, quite simply THE BEST magazine out there. But don't take my word for it. Just read Amazon's product description:

"A delicious balance of cooking and must-have nutrition features, EatingWell is the award-winning magazine where good taste meets good health on every page. Each issue is filled with dozens of delicious and nutritious recipes, smart shopping tips, healthy-in-a-hurry menus and much more! Beautiful color images illustrate never-fail, full-flavored recipes for healthful everyday eating and entertaining."

Definitely worth Amazon's $14.97 subscription fee (6 issues / 12 months) if you're a tactile sort of person such as myself and like to hold what you're reading. However, their website features all the recipes their magazine has to offer, so you don't actually have to spend a dime to reap the benefits of EatingWell. Bon appétit!

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Well, it's done. I've officially turned in my thirty day notice to the tiny all-female gym I've belonged to since joining Weight Watchers last June. Quite frankly, it nearly broke my heart when I handed my "Dear John" letter to the cheery blonde behind the desk and was secretly hoping she'd throw herself at my feet, begging me to stay with an emphatic, "How will we make it without you!" After all, I highly suspect they're struggling to not only obtain new members but maintain current ones given that I was the only person working out there most mornings. But I digress and alas, Blondie simply smiled and gave me a chirpy little thank-you as I thrust the letter I agonized over at her. Humph. Where's the love, I ask you?!?

In any case, I will always adore that little gym. It truly was a lifesaver cast to me as I was treading in some very ominous water and I spent many happy, albeit sweaty, hours there these past ten months. Unfortunately like all the women fitness centers in my lovely town, it's sorely lacking in amenities and I outgrew what it had to offer long ago. I quickly realized that it was important to explore other options before boredom had a chance to creep in.

For several months now I've been obsessed with taking a spin class and in an effort to find a place to do so, I've been touring a few local "non-meat market" gyms. Up until last Thursday, I've been seriously unimpressed and was beginning to think that my little girly gym was as good as it was going to get, until I walked through the doors of a nearby hospital run fitness center....

(cue the chorus)

Wow...just wow. I was completely blown away! It had everything I was looking for...spin classes, tons of daytime group classes, an indoor track, lots of cardio equipment and, yes, even multiple TVs so that I would never have to miss Ellen. Even the atmosphere had me at hello and while it's rumored to be very busy during lunch and after work when the hospital employees take advantage of their free memberships, the morning hours are blissfully slow and full of older non-threatening [Read: Won't judge my chunky body...mostly because they can't see me through their cataracts] folk.

While it's usually difficult for me to switch up my routine and enter new situations, my excitement over all the wonderful new experiences this new gym has to offer easily trumps my normal trepidation. Breaking up is indeed hard to do, but the sorrow is certainly dampened when you know something better is awaiting you just over the horizon.