Then and Now

Before my breaking point, I used to wake in a panic right as I reached the edge of sleep when the knowledge of all the food I had eaten that day finally entered my conscience mind. My eyes would fly open and I would be consumed with dread as I recalled the three separate fast food joints I stopped at for lunch and was forced to acknowledge the thousands of greasy trans fat-laden calories I had devoured without a single second of thought. On those nights, "I'm killing myself with food" became my own macabre lullaby.

The other night, once again right at the edge of sleep, I awoke with a start. Only this time it was with the realization that I will never go back to being that sad, fearful and numb creature from my past and that my biggest fear, that of regaining the weight I have fought so hard to lose, is really nothing to fear at all. It is not an option and this me, the new me, will never allow it to happen. With this, I smiled and fell soundly asleep. No lullaby required.